Editing: Why They Say Not to Ask Family and Friends

If you're an aspiring writer, independent (indie) or otherwise, then you've most likely heard and read the following counsel:

DO NOT RELY ON FAMILY AND FRIENDS AS EDITORS, 

EVEN IF THEY ARE PROFESSIONAL EDITORS.

I know I've read it. And like I did, you probably wondered or are still wondering why. Most of the articles on the subject will tell you that it is because family and friends care too much about you; they don't want to hurt your feelings by being "too honest."

I'm sorry, but that is a load of garbage! That may be what family and friends have told people who came asking, but it is merely a huge lie used to shield themselves from what they really can't bring themselves to say. The real reason seasoned writers advise you not to rely on family and friends to edit your work is--and get ready, 'cause this is gonna sting; I'm about to be very brutally honest--

The truth is: Most of your family and friends do NOT care about you or your aspirations. They are only concerned with themselves and their own fleeting happiness.

Now there are a lot of writers, family members and friends up in arms right now reading this, but I stand by what I typed. It's because they care more about themselves than they do about you, your manuscript or your life.

How could I say such a thing? I'll gladly explain.

Right out of the gate, the surface of the issue is this: you [the writer] asked them [your family and friends] to edit your manuscript because you trust them to be honest about it. You probably knew better than anyone that there were a number of things wrong with it; whether that be grammatical errors, punctuation issues, weak spots, boring spots, etc. You expected that the paper would come back with red editing ink all over it, with an arsenal of comments, suggestions, corrects, etc., both positive and negative. And what happened? They weren't honest; and the manuscript came back sparsely marked with positive feedback and 1% of the needed corrections. Why? Well, the common answer goes something like this, "I didn't want to hurt their feelings." But you tell me if your feelings aren't crushed when you get that manuscript back and you see that they didn't do what you asked.

"I didn't want to hurt their feelings" is one of the most childish and self-absorbed responses I've ever heard! They didn't want to hurt your feelings? They didn't want to tell you the truth for fear of hurting your feelings? Hmmm... So what if you self-publish the book? What about when the book hits the market filled with more holes than a strainer and more mistakes than an outlet store? What about when it falls flat on its face, and you [the writer] are left heartbroken because your lifelong dream was just flushed down the toilet? What will they have to say about your feelings then? I'll tell you what I was told once by a person that edited a friend of mine's story; he said this, "Well, it's not my fault. I feel bad, but he should've asked more people to edit it." I replied, "Did you tell him that?" He replied, "No." And I said, rather caustically, "Well, now we know. You are the Brutus to his Caesar."

Can we please move past Little League and the Pinewood Derby where we habitually create a bunch of hollow awards so that we don't have to deal with the sadness someone feels for being crowned "the loser"? 'Cause let's be honest here, there's only gonna be one winner, no matter how many teams or kids are involved, and the team that wins sure isn't getting any trumped up award. And let's be more honest, if you've ever been around the kid that gets the hollow award, are they ever actually fooled or happy? Nine times out of ten, no. Kids aren't stupid, and neither are most adults. They didn't enter the "prettiest car" or "best team support" contest, they entered a race or a tournament expecting to win. When are we gonna cut the overprotective crap and the play suit made of bubble wrap so that we can help people grow up maturely?

The truth is, writers, that the only thing most of your family and friends care about when their editing your manuscript is the instant gratification that will come when they hand the manuscript back with only good things to say. They think they will look like a hero. They just want to walk away from the experience able to say "I read it, I gave it back, I'm still happy, they're still happy and we're still friends" as if they did you any service at all; and so they lie. Simply because they care more about their own pride and feelings than your hopes, dreams and potential career, they will lie on your manuscript, they will lie to your face, they will lie to themselves and they will lie to others. They would rather stand by and watch from a distance as you crash and burn than be the one who puts themselves in the fire with you, give 100% of the corrections they see, offer 100% of their effort, and stand by you in the process of fixing and building your dream into a success. They would rather take the lazy road of instant gratification than the arduous road of labor, love, truth and compassion. They do not care about you or your ambitions; they care about themselves. That's the deep, dark, psychological fact behind all the sugar-coated cover-ups and excuses.

Having someone of this caliber edit your work would be worse than giving your manuscript to your worst enemy and watching them burn it while they talk about how terrible it is, or sending it to an unknown editor and having them just throw it away. And it's definitely worse than sending it to an editor and getting it back with a red front page and a big note that says CRAP on it. A person who will lie to your face and say only good things, just to protect themselves or "your" feelings, is an adversary to you and your work. They are a fair-weather ally who will not stand beside you when the storm comes, and would rather watch you drown than get their sleeves wet.

But what about those few of your family and friends, the hard-to-find percentage who would make good editors? What are they like? How would you spot them? A good editor, or companion in any right, is one who understands this basic principle:

Sometimes a person must be broken before they can be helped. In these times to love a person is to hurt them.

A good editor recognizes that the only way to make sure your manuscript is ready for the big, bad world of marketing is to test and fashion every molecule of the work. They know things will need to be fixed, cleaned up, cut out, or even added in. They know that hurting your feelings now will save you from a broken heart later, and they are willing not only to hurt your feelings but will help mend them as well. At times they may appear brutal and heartless, but they understand that criticism without advised corrections and follow-up compliment is useless. They are brutally honest, but they are also tenderly helpful.

We live in such a happy-ending world that forcing someone to endure pain is looked upon as evil or cruel, but many times it is the most powerful emblem of our love. If you've ever worked on a farm or an orchard, been around an EMT, or even read a religious volume, you will understand that knowing when to hurt something is the greatest evidence of your love and best wishes for it. A wild tree must be pruned before it can bear good fruit, a broken bone must be set before it can heal, a sinner must be spiritually scoured before the agony of sin can be relieved. Often times we are our own worst enemies, and it takes an outside hand, willing to hurt us for a moment, to show us our true potential.

I grant that it's hard to help a person improve when their feelings are hurt, especially when you're the one who did the hurting, but that is the cost of being a friend and being a family. A true friend and real family member should understand that better than anyone else, and that's why they are so often asked for help. Unfortunately, most of them don't understand it and fail the test of love.

There is no line that breaks my heart more when talking to people than to hear them say, "I didn't want to hurt his/her feelings." After such a line I am always left thinking, "No, that's not it; you didn't want to hurt your own feelings, nor give anything of yourself." And from that moment on I know I've found one more person who cannot be fully trusted until they take time to mature.